Ever find yourself going into way more detail than the other person wants to know?
The act of over-explaining is a common conversational habit.
It can come up when you’re anxious about asserting yourself, or when you’re trying to be agreeable in situations where no one’s disagreeing with you.
Fuller, more nuanced explanations, are usually a significant addition to any conversation.
But what happens when they’re taking a bit too far?
In this article, we’ll look at why people over-explain, the causes and how to overcome this urge.
Walk with me:
What is over-explaining?
Have you ever tried to have a conversation with someone who is trying to be clear, concise, and articulate, only to have them go on and on about something?
The urge to over-explain is an internal sensation you get when you feel like the person you’re talking to isn’t getting your point, and you want to make sure they do.
Your nervousness and fear of not being understood mostly triggered this urge to talk more.
Other times, excessive elaboration happens because of the need to fill in any perceived gaps.
For example, when you’re chatting to a friend about a recent holiday, but somehow launch into a detailed description of everything that happened during that period.
Now, don’t misunderstand me. There’s nothing wrong with giving your friend an extra gist during a conversation.
However, ask yourself: do they need that extra bit of information? Do they care about the details?
Put yourself in your friend’s shoes for a moment.
Wouldn’t you rather have them go straight to the point? Instead of boring you with little details.
Why do people over-explain?
In conversations, do you often say:
- “So, as I was saying earlier…?” or,
- “Listen, before I continue with what I’m trying to say…?”
If so, you’re probably guilty of over-explaining.
There are four common reasons this may happen:
- Some people are just natural talkers, but they don’t mean to be over-explainers. They feel an action or a statement requires further explanation, and they’re simply trying to provide us with the information we need.
- Some people believe that those around them can’t handle the truth. Instead of just stating their opinion, they feel that it’s necessary to soften it with an extra explanation.
- Other people over-explain, because they’re trying to show off. They often take themselves too seriously and do so by rubbing it off on others.
- Other times, people over-explain because they feel uncomfortable, or self-conscious about what they’re saying. They don’t want to make mistakes.
Read also: What makes great content? The power of context
What causes over-explaining?
The cause of over-explaining can be difficult to determine.
Sometimes it’s triggered by the situation you’re in or by the person you’re talking to.
Overall, these are some likely causes:
- The fear of being misunderstood
Over-explaining can result from the fear of being misunderstood.
You might be afraid that the other person won’t be able to understand you, so you elaborate more to ensure they do.
You might feel this way if you’re trying to convince or persuade someone of something.
- Uncomfortable situation
Over-explaining happens when you get anxious, or overwhelmed by a situation.
When you’re in a new or uncomfortable situation, you might talk more than usual or speak quickly.
- Lack of confidence
Over-explaining can also stem from a lack of confidence in your message and a lack of trust in the person listening.
If you’ve ever asked someone out, made a big presentation or asked your boss for a raise, you’ll know what this feels like.
- The need for connection
Over-explaining sometimes relates to your need to connect with people.
You feel nervous when you’ve not yet connected with someone, and over-explaining is a mechanism for trying to change that nervousness into connection.
How do you avoid over-explaining?
Over-explaining interrupts the flow of conversation and confuses the other person.
It certainly doesn’t encourage them to pay attention to what you’re saying.
How do you checkmate this?
Here are a few tips that might help you overcome the urge to over-explain:
- Give yourself time to think
How many times do you jump into a conversation without thinking about what you’re going to say?
Just because you feel you have something important to add doesn’t mean you have to add it.
Think about it for a second.
- Slow down and collect your thoughts
In the heat of the moment, your adrenaline is pumping, and it might tempt you to tell the other person everything at once.
Easy! Take a deep breath and slow down.
- Be conscious of the questions asked
Say you’re at a networking event, and you meet a new contact.
They asked: “what do you do?” Simply respond with your job role and company.
Your contact hasn’t asked you for an in-depth explanation of what you do, so don’t go into one.
- Be aware of what others say
The key here is to understand how people approach conversations, so be sensitive to this.
If someone asks you about a topic, that requires more than a simple response.
Use your mind to weigh how much response to give.
Do they need a brief reply or a long one?
- Don’t take it personally
If you talk longer than you meant to, this is a gift.
You dare to say what you think and get it out, rather than holding it in.
Now, it’s not your fault you over-explain. The other person is not to blame, either.
Just don’t take it personally.
- Embrace the “less is more” mentality
Keep your messages clear and brief.
Your messages should convey only the information required to make your point understandable.
This makes it easier for people listening to understand your message and stops you from being repetitive.
- Avoid rationalizing
When you’re speaking with someone, don’t feel the need to justify your position or why you believe what you believe.
People will respect your opinion and understand that you might have had more experience than they have in a particular area.
- Accept that some people may not understand
Accept that some people might not get what you’re saying, or might even be against what you’re saying.
Some people will not be interested in the same things as you, and so it’s important to recognize this and change your approach.
- Take a pause
Quality comes from silence, not from words.
Know how to be comfortable with silence. Pause for a while.
The good thing is that allowing pauses in conversations improves it.
- Ask more questions
If you talk too much, it means you’re not giving others the chance to talk.
Asking more questions and paying attention will help you control how much you talk during conversations.
On the upside, asking questions improves likability.
Conclusion
There’s an art to having a successful conversation.
Good conversationalists know when to speak and when to listen.
More importantly, they know how to avoid over-explaining.
“A good conversation is like a miniskirt, short enough to retain interest, long enough to cover the subject” — Celeste Headlee’s Sister.